i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
