I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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