That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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