just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
