When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
