I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
