i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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