College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
