after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
