awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
