What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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