he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
