Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
