At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
sarcasm needs its own font
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
