How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
be right there i have to get my cape
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
