That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
