I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
