Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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