He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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