I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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