If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize