Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
