I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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