I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
