I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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