I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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