I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
