So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
