:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize