Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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