do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
