Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
