I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize