Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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