I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize