Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's always time for handjobs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
