I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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