the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need water and some morals
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
