My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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