Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
