yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
