I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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