Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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