my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
