I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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