I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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