No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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