We're like a lot better than the average bears
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
