i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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