I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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