I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
