you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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