I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
