We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
