I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
