god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's shark week go big or go home
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
