you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
