i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
