i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize