Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
