he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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