As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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